Headed to a wilderness retreat of a wealthy pharmaceutical CEO to hopefully land a lucrative job, widower Elliot and his reluctant daughter Ridley manage to have a car accident with a heretofore-thought creature out of legend, and hijinks ensue! 

Oh this is an absolute gem of a movie y’all, brought to you by the genius minds of film production company A24, a delightful blend of horror and campy, almost idiotic, comedy. Make sure your seatbelt is buckled and let’s dive into this! 

So Ridley (Jenna Ortega) is you typical teenager, angsty and missing her passed-on mother, full of acne troubles and secretly vaping while her dad Elliot (Paul Rudd) ignores her for much more than appearance purposes, while he schmoozes his way into the good graces of the family they’re going to stay with. Elliot ignores everything but his continued greed, for both money and continuous stability for him and Ridley, really, he swears, so when the misty mountains cause their electronics to go haywire and Elliot’s busy with that crisis, he doesn’t notice until it’s too late and BAM. You’ve hit an actual unicorn with your car. 

Like most girls, Ridley can’t help but be fascinated by the poor mythical horse-like creature, and of course she reaches out to grasp the glowing horn, filling her head full of magic and her eyes full of stars and the cosmos, while Elliot has a much more, let’s say visceral, reaction. But rather than calling, I dunno, some sort of wildlife preserve or the cops or even considering burying the unfortunate horned horse, no, the baby is loaded like a downed stag into the back of Elliott’s car and they hurry on to the CEO’s wilderness retreat. 

It makes sense that the changes to Ridley’s appearance are the first thing that allows O’Dell (Richard E. Grant) and his greedy, grasping family to understand that the body of the unicorn has healing properties. Wife Belinda (Tea Leoni) is your typical utterly vapid socialite who helps the poor downtrodden of whatever’s currently popular third world country, not for the do-gooder part of it, but for the optics. And their son Shepard (Will Poulter) is a walking poster boy for the arrogant frat boy type who could never settle on just one thing to be or do, and so he tries them all – archery, photography, mixology, music and various forms of pharmaceuticals, all while sporting these terrible fashion choices in shorts and rambling proudly about his nonexistent accomplishments. Griff (Anthony Carrigan) is the family butler and general verbal punching bag, and let us not forget the unfortunate pair of doctoral research scientists who get called in to examine the unicorn, Dr. Song (Steve Park) and Dr. Bhatia (Sunita Mani). 

So we have a family of covetous types who all want to divy the unicorn up and sell its various parts for as much wealth and power as they can get, plus the pair of scientists who are flabbergasted to find themselves dissecting an actual unicorn that, hey, guess what, isn’t actually dead for really-real yet. Elliott’s trying to procure his and Ridley’s slice of the action, though honestly, his lawyerly powers of persuasion seem to be rather lacking in this regard, while Ridley is off doing some actual research on medieval unicorns and what the ancient legends in tapestries had to say about them. You know how the modern genie, with his Arabian lamp and his three wishes with their horrifically ironic consequences, actually stems from the ancient legend of that old monster, the creature born from fire that wants nothing more than to destroy all human life on Earth, the Djinn? Our modern legends and beliefs about unicorns is kinda like that. 

So everyone, even our scientists with their experiments and O’Dell supposedly being an experienced animal hunter, seems to have forgotten that a horse is a mammal and therefore, has parents. And while everyone is concerning themselves with what to use the babies’ various parts for, only Ridley seems to have realized, that the babies’ sire and dam are coming for it! 

We all know horses are smart, and that humans and horses can form an almost mythical bond, but when a stallion or even a dam’s ire is raised, they can attack and defend just as well as any rampaging beast, and do present a very real and dire threat. And these particular horses, with their shaggy midnight-black coats and hooves the size of monster-truck hubcaps, their fangs and absolute righteous rage at their baby being stolen, not to mention both mom and dad’s inherently magical nature, and those utterly badass war-unicorn horns, are here to wreak utter destruction and death upon the humans that would dare to eat, drink and snort, their baby! 

Full of utterly ridiculous fun with human greed and the scarcely-remembered wonder of those magical creatures you heard about as a child, cheer along with the Jurassic Park-like screech of our rampaging parents to save their baby, in Death of a Unicorn, in theaters now!