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The Last Voyage of the Demeter: Double-knock on wood!  

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Adapted and written largely from the Captain’s Log chapter of Bram Stoker’s magnum opus Dracula, The Last Voyage of the Demeter tells the story of Dracula’s journey by ship from Carpathia to London, and what happened to her crew in the interim.

So here we are in Bulgaria, middle of 1897, and Captain Eliot (Liam Cunningham) of the Russian schooner Demeter is here to take on some strange cargo from some unknown client and transport it to Carfax Abbey in London. In need of some extra hands, the Captain sends out his capable Second Wojchek (David Dastmalchian) to scout for some, and initially the roving black doctor and aspiring philosopher Clemens (Corey Hawkins) is passed over in favor of more work-roughened men. The adorable cabin boy of the Demeter, Toby (Woody Norman), narrowly misses being crushed by the mysterious dragon-marked crates being loaded onto the ship, saved by Clemens himself and switched out with the superstitious sailors running from the Demeter like they had been poisoned by the sign of Dracul. And now, armed with some nine or so crewmen, Doc Clemens, and Captain Eliot himself, the twenty-four strange what looks like coffins adorned with dragon signs brought mostly safely aboard, the Demeter can make for open water and the Hell that awaits them there.

The duty of showing Clemens around the ship falls to a cheerful Toby, who proudly shows him the living areas, the Captain’s quarters, the very-large cargo hold, the galley and kitchen where the overly-devout Joseph (Jon Jon Briones) cooks the crews meals, the various above decks, even the sails, and the rigging are all at least touched on, and the livestock pens that Toby himself is in charge of, including the handsome good-boy doggy Huckleberry, or just Huck. We the audience get a very clear feeling of what it’s like to actually be aboard the Demeter, just how large she really is, and what living on a ship for months at sea is really like, the reality and practicality and the dangers of it.

Everyone more or less settles in for a hopefully uneventful voyage, taking mess around the common table and exchanging ideas or aspirations for when they arrive in London early thanks to the fair winds, and receive a handsome bonus for their troubles. But that involves being alive and making it to London to spend said bonus and pay, and the coffin crates spilling dark soil from the motherland and disgorging all sorts of other nasty secrets, have some serious plans to the contrary.

First, it’s the livestock, innocent and shrieking in their locked pens as a monster takes great furious bites out of their necks, and of course, the creature just straight up ruins poor doggy Huck. Then there’s the fully grown girl that gets dislodged from an open coffin-crate, covered in bite scars and as pale as death, she eventually starts interacting and talking after several blood transfusions from Doc Clemens, Toby learns her name is Anna (Aisling Franciosi). And then, as the weather turns foul and the winds begin to be a serious problem, the attacks turn toward the remaining humans onboard the Demeter.

Most people these days are familiar with Dracula, that gorgeous cunning vampire Elder who can supposedly transform into a bat or a wolf, seducing women to voluntarily offer up their veins like an unholy sacrament, a being at once beautiful and powerful, but also horrific and murderous if given half a heartbeat to smell your blood. This is not Dracula.

Instead, the creature that hunts the humans occupying the Demeter is an absolute monster, not a single human feature left to it, barely even recognizable as humanoid-shaped, instead boasting not just full-length bat wings but an entire exo-skin of bat membranes that can be used for feeding, a mouth full of needle-like teeth akin to a predator of the deepest darkest parts of the ocean, those yellowed Nosferatu eyes that will not tolerate light in any way, and of course giant pointy bat-ears. This is a thing, a grotesque straight from the depths of Hell, and no amount of glamor magic can make this Dracula (Javier Botet) seem like anything other than what he, is – a parasitic demon who only wants your blood. There is no reasoning with it, no trapping it, not even really any talking to it (kinda hard to talk when your throat has been ripped out), and, like the much more frightening Dracula stories of old, no amount of pure faith behind a symbol does anything other than give false hope.

Coming face to face with an actual abomination does different things to different people. The formerly delightfully foul-mouthed Abrams (Chris Walley) dissolves into a blubbering mess; poor Larsen (Martin Furulund) didn’t even get to see his own death coming; and it turns out Olgaren (Stefan Kapicic) wants to live so badly, he’ll suffer becoming a blank-eyed Renfield if that’s what it takes. All of Cook Joseph’s purported pure faith didn’t stop him from trying to take the coward’s way out and didn’t save him anyway when the sound of unnatural bat wings descended on him. I find that kind of irony delicious. Dear Anna, resigned to her fate to be eternal food for the horror that terrorized her village, nevertheless wants to try and save whoever is left of the Demeter with her own sacrifice, and there aren’t many. Wojchek of course wants to kill Dracula, but for all his logic and solid practical nature, has no experience whatsoever with this sort of thing, and sure doesn’t want to sacrifice the Demeter, the beloved ship he called home that was promised to him by Captain Eliot himself, in order to destroy that demon. Even poor sweet Toby isn’t safe from the creature’s clutches, and what happens to the cabin boy of the Demeter is what finally sends Captain Eliot over the blooming edge. And who could blame him? For this sort of thing to happen during the last voyage of such a proud, solid ship as the Demeter, is some serious bullsh*t.

To leave such a film open for a potential sequel, especially when called the last voyage of something, was a pretty hefty ask, and somehow the filmmakers managed it. I personally think a different version of Van Helsing, the infamous vampire hunter, teaming up with a certain black doctor who nurses a serious grudge against Dracula, could be a kickass sequel. Until then, experience the doomed final journey of the Demeter and her poor crew in all it’s bloodstained glory, in theaters now!

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Blink Twice: Another snake venom shot please! 

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Tech mogul Slater King meets cocktail waitress Frida at a fundraising gala, and whisks her and her friend Jess off to a vacation on his freaking private island, where things begin to take a turn for the sinister! 

Any film where the main character keeps near-constantly asking his companions if they’re having a good time is going to start looking suspicious. Slater King (Channing Tatum) professes to be a firm believer in, let’s say for the sake of argument, alternate forms of therapy when it comes to dealing with one’s traumas and tribulations. The island, Slater’s own private island ffs, boasts at least the appearance of opulence, with white barely-there vacation clothes for both men and women, free-range chickens amongst the lush greenery, yoga, posh catered food on the daily, mountains of club-kid drugs and rivers of alcohol, pools and a ridiculous mansion to hide all kinds of horrific secrets, all surrounded by special purple lilies with a distinctive scent they turned into the perfume Desideria (meaning desire, longing) to give to the women as gifts. Oh, and like, a lot of snakes. 

It’d be easy to explain away how Frida (Naomi Ackie) doesn’t remember the first night – she’s here and overwhelmed by the opulence and purported acceptance of them-all, plus we’re talking all kinds of designer drugs she willingly partook in, who wouldn’t close their eyes and indulge a little? The gang Slater’s surrounded himself with all seem like real nice welcoming people – photographer Vic (Christian Slater) in his fishing hats constantly taking potentially incriminating polaroids, unwilling to talk about how his pinkie went missing; Cody (Simon Rex) the personal chef can’t seem to remember not to call former reality-show star Sarah (Adria Arjona) ‘babe’;  DJ Tom (Haley Joel Osment) turns out to be a joiner no matter what the wicked game happens to be; and rounding out our boys is innocent little graduate Lucas (Levon Hawke), who definitely does not have the stomach for the real purpose of the sinister island life. Stan (Cris Costa) is there as security, stoic and uncompromising, and even Slater’s dubious therapist Rich (Kyle MacLachlan) shows up on the island at some point, where he wigs the hell out of Frida’s already-increasing paranoia. 

For the feminine side of the foreboding island setup, we have – Camilla (Liz Caribel) and Heather (Trew Mullen), basically pretty mindless party girls always up for everything, even snake venom shots; the former reality show star who actually bothered training for months for the physicality of the role, Sarah; Frida and her long-suffering friend Jess (Alia Shawkat); and finally, like all good assistants, she who knows way more about the truth of the island than she should, the heavily beleaguered Slater King personal assistant Stacy (Geena Davis). Given that your movie reviewer here happens to proudly sport she/her pronouns, it’s safe to say I am completely biased towards the female side of the movie because, make no mistake, gender lines, like battle lines, are about to be laid on the island and crossed in the most vile, violent fashion possible. 

Saying much of anything more would give the entire game away – why the helper maid with the snake tattoo keeps calling Frida ‘Red Rabbit’ in the most familiar fashion, the whole deal with the red gift bags and unique flower perfume, the fishing trip for the men that is most definitely not a red herring, and perhaps most especially, the whole surreal forgetting-what-day-it-is nature of the island for the womenfolk only apparently. 

For a tale of horror turned into some well-deserved retribution, keep your eyes open for Blink Twice, in theaters now! 

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Top 5 DC Jokers

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  1. Cesar Romero, played the Joker in the totally zany Batman TV show from the 1960s, starring Adam West as the titular hero. Romero did it first, among all these other versions of the Joker, you could always tell that Romero was having a blast being the Clown Prince of Crime, a mastermind and a villain you bet, but constantly full of that laughter that puts one in the mind of the Tim Curry version of Pennywise the clown. Romero enjoyed a long and great career in TV and film both before and after his stint as Batman, and his fashion sense as the Joker has echoes in the beloved green-and-purple even to this day. 


It has to be said, though the movie came out when I was less than double-digits-old, that the Jack Nicholson version of the Joker, from Tim Burton’s Batman, is the IT Joker for my generation. He had it all – fashion sense to knock your socks off, aspirations of being the world’s first fully functioning homicidal artist, a penchant for over-the-top gestures that begin as entertainment and end in your death, and of course, he could succumb to massive violence at any given moment. Nicholson was already hugely popular at the time he starred as the Joker, and his quite different portrayal of Jack Napier, the ruthless gangster turned to madcap murderer is forever a classic. Plus Nicholson delivering lines like, “You ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?”, makes his Joker absolutely unique. 

    1. It turns out, the person who’s portrayed the Joker arguably the longest, is a far cry from the major movie roles he’s generally known for – Luke Skywalker, aka Mark Hamill. Premiering as the Clown Prince of Crime in what is also arguably still the best Batman cartoon series put out, now known as Batman the Animated Series from 1992, Hamill breathed new life into our beloved villain in his own highly unique way. Even the iconic Joker laugh, Mark Hamill managed to make that his own too, and given the fact that Hamill’s voiced the Joker in, let’s see here, Batman TAS, Superman the Animated Series, The New Batman Adventures, Static Shock, and yes, even Justice League, is all a great testament to his dedication to the character and how everyone else seems to love his version of it. Hamill even voiced the Joker in the animated movie adaptation of Batman The Killing Joke, based on the award-winning graphic novel that offers us a potential Joker origin story. 

    It’s also entirely worth mentioning that Mark Hamill has also voiced the Joker in what are generally believed to be the best Batman video games, and this one’s even a trilogy – Batman: Arkham Asylum, Batman: Arkham City, and Batman: Arkham Knight. Even if you don’t play video games, it’s worth looking into the Joker cutscenes from any of the Batman Arkham games. 

    1. The Gotham TV show had some big aspirations, trying to do a prequel series before Batman was even a Thing in Gotham City, and yet still have a city full of crime, intrigue, and comfortingly familiar villains. We loyal fans sat through a season of crime boss gang wars, a season of the rise of various familiar wicked faces, and finally were rewarded for our patience and belief in the showrunners when, in season three, a cult of personality and ruin rose for Jerome, and eventually Jeremiah, Valeska, both played to excellent reviews by Cameron Monaghan. The name the Joker was never uttered in character for Monaghan’s performance, but every single last person watching knew damn well who the Valeska twins were meant to represent, and it’s all due to Monaghan’s outstanding and unforgettable acting. 

    It’s another reverse irony that while Mark Hamill enjoyed Star Wars fame first and then went on to do his own version of the Joker, Cameron Monaghan played a very different version of the proto-Jokers we’ll say, and then went on to become huge in the Star Wars Jedi video games. 


    And finally, we have what could be said to be the most depressingly accurate version of a real-world Joker, Arthur Fleck as played by Joaquin Phoenix. Arthur is a failed clown and aspiring stand-up comedian with a whole boatload of issues, a severe neurological laughing disorder, and is surrounded by the hedonism and the indifference of the High vs the Low, set in a gritty ready-to-explode Gotham City during the early 1980’s recession. Phoenix’s portrayal of Fleck’s descent into clown-laced craziness, from an everyday person with normal hopes and dreams dashed against the nobody-cares reality causing him not to fall into madness but dive headfirst, is a unique and even sympathetic version of the Joker that left audiences stunned. Even Phoenix’s look for the Joker had different colors and a different strut. Still, there was absolutely no doubt that, after Fleck shot Murray Franklin quite dead on live TV, it was the same familiar, absolutely batshit insane clown we all love.

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    “It Ends with Us” Review: A Heartfelt and Compelling Adaptation of a Beloved Novel

    This review provides a comprehensive look at the film while ensuring that viewers can experience the story’s twists and turns for themselves. Whether you’re a fan of the book or new to the story, “It Ends with Us” is a film that offers a compelling and heartfelt journey worth watching

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    Adapted from Colleen Hoover’s bestselling novel, “It Ends with Us” is a powerful and emotionally charged drama that delves into the complexities of love, family, and self-discovery. Directed by Justin Baldoni, the film features standout performances and brings to life the nuanced and deeply human characters that have captivated readers worldwide.

    The story follows Lily Bloom, a young woman navigating the challenges of a new life in Boston. After the death of her abusive father, Lily leaves her hometown to start fresh and pursue her dream of opening a floral shop. In Boston, Lily meets Ryle Kincaid, a charismatic and ambitious neurosurgeon who sweeps her off her feet with his charm and determination. As their relationship blossoms, Lily finds herself falling deeply in love with Ryle, who, despite his initial reluctance, begins to open up to the idea of a committed relationship.

    However, the arrival of Atlas Corrigan, Lily’s first love and childhood friend, complicates matters. Atlas, who has overcome his own share of hardships, rekindles old feelings within Lily, reminding her of a time when life was simpler. As Lily grapples with her feelings for both men, she must confront painful memories from her past and make difficult choices that will shape her future.

    The film excels in its portrayal of the main characters, with each actor delivering a compelling and authentic performance. Blake Lively shines as Lily Bloom, capturing the character’s strength, vulnerability, and resilience. Her portrayal is both heartfelt and relatable, making it easy for audiences to empathize with her journey. Justin Baldoni brings depth and complexity to the role of Ryle Kincaid, expertly navigating the character’s charming exterior and hidden insecurities. Brandon Sklenar delivers a standout performance as Atlas Corrigan, portraying a character that is both endearing and strong-willed.

    At its core, “It Ends with Us” is a story about the enduring impact of love and the difficult choices we must make in its pursuit. The film explores themes of domestic violence, trauma, and healing, shedding light on the struggles faced by survivors and the strength it takes to break the cycle of abuse. It also emphasizes the importance of self-love and the power of forgiveness, both towards others and oneself.

    Justin Baldoni does a commendable job of adapting the novel for the screen, maintaining the essence of the original story while adding visual and emotional depth. The pacing is well-balanced, allowing the narrative to unfold naturally and keeping the audience engaged throughout. The cinematography, led by Barry Peterson, beautifully captures the contrasting landscapes of Lily’s past and present, enhancing the emotional impact of the story.

    It Ends with Us” is a moving and thought-provoking film that stays true to the spirit of Colleen Hoover’s novel. It offers a poignant look at love, loss, and the journey towards self-discovery. Fans of the book will appreciate the faithful adaptation, while newcomers will find themselves drawn into the compelling and emotional narrative.

    With its strong performances, heartfelt storytelling, and powerful themes, “It Ends with Us” is a must-watch for fans of romantic dramas and those who appreciate stories of resilience and personal growth. It is a film that will leave a lasting impression and spark important conversations about the complexities of love and the strength it takes to overcome adversity.

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